


I Feel It Too

by CountBitchAlot



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-29
Updated: 2016-05-06
Packaged: 2018-06-05 05:10:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6690970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CountBitchAlot/pseuds/CountBitchAlot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rey had prepared herself for this very moment for months. Every piece of Luke Skywalker's training had lead up to this, but her body shook from the moment she ignited her lightsaber over the injured monster. The scavenger let the lightsaber slip from her fingers and drop to the floor, the weapon deactivating on the hard impact.</p><p>'What am I doing...' she thought to herself.</p><p>She could not kill Kylo Ren.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys. I know the first chapter is pretty short, but more will be posted as of tomorrow.
> 
> This story is rated mature for now, but it will become very, very explicit in later chapters. Hope you enjoy!

Kylo Ren. A creature in a mask. Except he wasn’t. Just a simple man, with simple, sad eyes. But Rey knew better than that.

She loathed to admit it, but his hidden sadness resonated very well with her own. The loneliness, the abandonment, all feelings she knew too well. Rey glowered at her own visage in the small, dingy mirror hanging in her bathroom quarters. How had she lowered herself to such a level to feel compassion for this murderer?

The scavenger girl huffed and pushed off of the sink she had supported herself on. It been almost five months since the destruction of Starkiller Base, since Kylo Ren’s graceless fall. Yet he still managed to plague every corner of Rey’s mind. It would have been easier for her is he was dead, but she could still feel the light thrum of his presence through the Force. If Kylo Ren was dead, it would have been easier to move on; out of sight, out of mind. Maybe then she wouldn’t feel such misery for a sad, simple man behind a mask. But she had a job to do.

A sharp knock at Rey’s door shook her out of her angered haze. She took one last look at her drained, tired face in the mirror before rushing off to the entrance and punching a button next to the door to let it slide open.

“Ma’am, you’re needed down in the command room by the general’s request,” spoke a young resistance fighter. Rey nodded resignedly to the young man before straightening out her clothing with shaky, nervous fingers. Today was the day.

 

“You all know why I summoned you down here,” Leia spoke commonly, her mouth set into a grim line. “We have finally received a reconnaissance report on Snoke’s and Be--.“The general drew in a deep breath before setting herself straight. “Snoke’s and Kylo Ren’s whereabouts. They are both situated on adjacent planets within the outer rim.” Leia pawed at the table before her for support, trying to find the strength to continue.

Admiral Ackbar interceded on behalf of the general. “The time to strike is now. The First Order is still trying to piece together their defense, leaving them in a vulnerable state. One squadron is needed to quietly take care of Kylo Ren while he is still injured. To apprehend him, but to kill him if we must.”

“That is where I step in,” Rey finally spoke up, moving from her secluded corner of the room. “I need the best pilots and ground fighters standing by to assist in the case that I am unable to complete this mission alone.” Without a moment’s hesitation, both Finn and Poe stepped forward, closely followed by others who had become close to the two.

“This won’t be like Starkiller Base. Our sole purpose on this mission is to go after Kylo Ren; he knows we’re coming. That means more firepower on both the ground and in the air. If you’re not prepared to die today, then step down. For those who are ready, we leave at dawn,” Rey forced out, a fire of emotions lit behind her eyes.

Today she was going to end Kylo Ren.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really do promise these chapters will get longer...

It was dusk by the time they had reached the system that held their target. Rey touched her x-wing down onto the surface of a rain-weathered boulder far below the tree line. She opened the hatch of her aircraft and took in her wild surroundings. The area was littered with trees almost as tall as the sky itself and foliage that peeked out of swamp flooded ground. Rey would almost be calmed by the serene sounds and smells of the planet, if it weren’t for the mission that laid at hand.

Rey hit the ground beneath her with a hard thud, the impact sending a chill up her spine. The scavenger’s body was unsteady and her mind at unease. ‘It’s not like I haven’t had to kill before,’ she thought, thinking back to her days of survival on Jakku. ‘This should be easy.’ But would it be? She killed before only to protect herself; it was in self-defense. Wouldn’t this be self-defense too? If she didn’t murder Kylo Ren instead of capturing him, wouldn’t he certainly murder her once he had the chance?

These thoughts plagued Rey’s mind as she treaded through the thick black waters of the planet, alone with her insecurities. 

When Rey reached the outskirts of the well-hidden bunker, her comlink sang with the energy of the ongoing battle outside of the base. Resistance fights took shelter behind the thick trunks of trees, dodging the sharp fire from blasters from the enemy’s platoon.

“Rey!” The scavenger whipped around to the resistance fighter who had called her name. “It’s Kylo Ren. He fled north, further into the forest! They knew we were coming!”

Rey curtly nodded her head in acknowledgement and darted for the thicker foliage to the north, barely evading a blaster or two shot in her direction. She could feel him through the force, his signature quickly becoming stronger as Rey’s feet pounded against the ground, carrying her faster and faster than she could have ever thought possible. It was time for her to be the predator, and Kylo Ren’s chance to be the prey.

He stood in a small clearing, waiting for Rey to arrive with his lightsaber in hand. “It’s good to finally see you, Rey,” Kylo Ren spoke casually, his eyes sizing up the scavenger that had barely came to a stop at the edge of the tree line.

“You have no right to address me as some acquaintance,” Rey hissed through gritted teeth, her own hand reaching to the belt at her hip to grasp the deadly weapon fastened there. “Not after what you did.” Flashes of blood and snow dance behind Rey’s eyes, fueling her unending rage.

“I hear the traitor survived. That’s a shame.” The hints of a smirk twitched at the corners of his lips, the slight movement crinkling part of the loose skin that made up his facial scar.

Whatever resolve Rey had shattered as she lunged at Kylo Ren, her lightsaber ignited and ready to land a fatal blow. Despite her extensive training, Kylo Ren batted off her attacks as if she were a simple insect. The sun sank lower and lower in the sky as their violent dance forged on. It was much harder to handle the First Order sympathizer at full health; much harder than Rey had even expected.

A new determination lit within Rey’s eyes, the scavenger smirking in defiance. “Come on, you coward! Fight me like your life depends on it,” she shouted, firmly standing her ground. “Don’t fight me like the coward you were when you killed your father, Ben.”

A flurry of emotions twisted Kylo Ren’s face into a mask of pure hate, a strangled yell ripping from his throat as he charged unabashedly at Rey, intent on killing the young woman. With quick thinking and dexterous footing, Rey slid beneath the monster’s arm and dragged her lightsaber up the length of her adversary’s back. A shout of anguish and a hard thud resonated through the air as Kylo Ren’s disabled body fell to the forest floor, red stark against the torn black fabric of his clothing and the crisp leaves beneath him.

The weakened man struggled to roll himself to his back just in time to see Rey advance forward, her eyes trained on Kylo Ren’s lightsaber than had fallen at the monster’s feet.

The scavenger reached out and grasped the weapon, feeling the hefty weight of it in her hands. Rey pocketed her own lightsaber in her belt and lifted Kylo Ren’s lightsaber over her head. With a long drawn out exhale, Rey ignited the deadly weapon within her fingers.

The harsh, crackling sound ripped through the air and reached Kylo Ren’s ears with urgency, jolting him to stare up at the woman standing before him. His face held a mixture of anger, fear, and an emotion that Rey could not distinguish.

Rey met his eyes in a deadlocked stare as she glowered down at him, sizing up the man who had killed millions, murdered his father, and had injured her dearest friend. She kept staring into his eyes until she came to recognize the emotion that intermingled with those of hate: it was sorrow. The very same sorrow that had damned her into feeling sorry for the broken man before her.

She was frozen to the spot. Her blood ran cold and her heart ached to just both end Kylo Ren’s life and save it at the very same time.

Rey had prepared herself for this very moment for months. Every piece of Luke Skywalker's training had lead up to this, but her body shook from the moment she ignited her lightsaber over the injured monster. The scavenger let the lightsaber slip from her fingers and drop to the floor, the weapon deactivating on the hard impact.

'What am I doing...' she thought to herself.

She could not kill Kylo Ren.


	3. Chapter 3

A heartbeat pounded in her ears, deafening her from the outside world. It took a firm hand and a hard shake to her shoulder to knock Rey out of the blank haze she was buried in. “Rey, what are you doing?” The scavenger’s eyes snapped to Finn’s face, not even realizing that two of her fellow Resistance fighters were dragging Kylo Ren off to a nearby transporter, his body limp in their arms.

“Rey, did you hear me?” Finn stood before Rey, his face a grimace of concern. “Rey, what happened? Did he hurt you? I swear, if that monster put a scratch on you— “

“Finn, I’m fine. I just…” Rey looked to the ground, confused with her own actions. “I just froze. I don’t really know what happened. I just couldn’t do it. Not because I couldn’t move, I just…”

“Hey. Don’t worry about it. We finally got him,” the ex-stormtrooper reassured, giving the scavenger the faintest hint of a sympathetic smile. It took almost all of what was left of Rey’s energy to return the smile. Her body seemed to work on autopilot for the remained of their journey home to D’Qar.  
\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
It was blur of energy when they had returned to home base over a month ago. It seemed every last person who had inhabited the planet couldn’t get to Rey fast enough to congratulate her on her victory, but their kind and encouraging words held no place in her heart. Without fail, every night the young Jedi had lain herself down to sleep, nightmares would flood behind her closed eyelids. There was always so much blood, and it seemed to get everywhere. Just blood and his fearful, sad eyes. She may have looked upon him, but it was never until that moment that she saw the criminal in any human way.

Even as her mind and body had seemed to calm over the last month, Rey had not brought herself to visit the man in his cell. Her gut seemed to twist with fear at the thought of laying eyes on the monster she had almost ended. She was too afraid to know if she would just feel sickening compassion for man, or regret for sparing his life. Rey was being torn apart.

 

It had reached almost two months before Rey’s restless nights had seemed to have finally eaten away at her. It was far past settling in hours when she snuck out of the base and clambered aboard a speeder, making her way towards a prison encampment about twenty clicks from home base.

Rey had attempted this trip many times within the past few weeks, but fear had always gotten the best of her, turning her around to flee back to her welcoming quarters. She wasn’t going to turn back this time. She was sure of it. The scavenger needed to see the man that had haunted her dreams to finally put her mind at ease.

As she reached her destination, Rey slid off of her transport and entered the housing of cells, all of which were hidden underground in a system of caves. Loud hoots and hollars pierced Rey’s ears from the caged men and beasts that were imprisoned within the length of the makeshift hallway. Nonetheless, the scavenger kept pushing on deeper into the dank, dark cavern, until she had reached a sectioned off piece of the prison.

One of Rey’s clammy hands grasped the handle on the non-mechanical door that separated her from the evil entity within. With a long drawn out exhale, the scavenger pushed through the door and greeted the two armed guards that were keeping watch.

The first guard nodded in respect to the young Jedi as she entered the room. “Rey. I was wondering when you’d make it down here. We almost thought you’d never show up.” Rey managed a small, silent nod in return before stepping past the two guards and peering beyond the strong glass that held it’s captive secure.

The cell consisted of only a cheap and rather dim light fixture hanging from the ceiling and a blanket that rested upon the floor, the thin fabric currently occupied by the confine’s prisoner. Rey’s mouth went dry and her body grew hot with intense emotion. There on the blanket lied Kylo Ren, but if it weren’t for her prior knowledge of who the cell contained, Rey would not recognize this person. What was once a strong, fearless man, was now a frail, nearly skin and bones ghost that curled in upon itself to seek warmth within the frigid cavern.

As if sensing her presence, Kylo Ren woke from his slumber and slowly turned to face the scavenger. His face was gaunt and pale, sunken eyes peering up at Rey in a daze of sleep and emptiness.

Explosive rage boiled to every surface of Rey’s skin as she whipped around to glare hatefully at the two other inhabitants of the room. “Who did this?!” The second guard began to sputter out the beginning of a sentence before being sharply cut off by the scavenger. “By whose orders are you starving him?! Tell me!”

The first guard hesitantly stepped forward and offered the name of his superior before Rey attacked them with another tongue lashing. “Get out. Both of you. Get out now,” she commanded, her hand resting dangerously over the lightsaber at her hip. The guards couldn’t get out of the room fast enough for their own comfort. It wasn’t until the door closed firmly behind them that Rey turned back to Kylo Ren, kneeling before him.

“When was the last time you ate,” she pressured, her eyes traveling the husk of the once great Kylo Ren.

“Piss off, scavenger,” Kylo Ren rasped out, his voice cracked and barely there. “Go back and play pretend war hero with that deplorable woman I call mother.”

Rey’s hand slammed into the glass, jolting the prisoner the look up the woman. “When was the last time you ate,” she repeated, her own voice cracked with raw emotion and her frame visibly shaky.

Kylo Ren’s expression softened in the slightest, though his eyes were hard as steel when he spoke. “Six days ago. The pigs kept count as they stuffed their faces in front of me.”

“I’m sorry…” Rey gave Kylo Ren a look of what could have been construed as pity. In reality, it was sympathy. Rey knew all too well what it was like to be afraid and hungry; no one had the right to starve. Not even Kylo Ren himself.

Without another word, Rey rose from her spot on the ground and took her leave. It would be several minutes later before two guards stumbled in and offered sustenance to the prisoner.

She was going to save Kylo Ren.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, sorry it took a little while for me to update to all of those who are reading. I should have another chapter up within the next 24 hours. If I don't, I give you all the right to beat the next one out of me.

Several days flew by in a haze, each encounter easier than its predecessor. Every day was the same routine: Rey packed plenty of military rations and other edibles in her beat up satchel, piloted her speeder to the prison encampment, and sat in Kylo Ren’s cell block, making sure he ate what she gave him. The first few days were a struggle, for the prisoner outright refused the pity offering. It wasn’t until about the third day in that Rey used rather questionable methods to goad the man into eating. Rey rested in a chair and kicked her feet up on a table that had furnished the small room neighboring Kylo Ren’s cell. Without even the slightest glance towards the prisoner, Rey pulled a large, juicy apple from her sack and proceeded to eat to her heart’s content.

If looks could kill, Rey would surely be laying on the floor bleeding out before Kylo Ren. The haggard looking man sat against the back wall of his cell, a vicious scowl plastered to his face as he watched the apple repeatedly reach the scavenger’s mouth. Kylo Ren would be lying if he said his mouth wasn’t salivating, though he was unsure if it was in fact the sight of food that had caused it.

Rey stood and stretched her limbs, delightful pops echoing within the cavern along with her contented sigh. The scavenger took one last bite of her fruit and tossed the core into a nearby trashcan. Rey grabbed hold of her bag and tossed it over her shoulder, making way for the door. “Wait…!”

When Rey finally looked towards the cell sharing the room, Kylo Ren had crawled to the thick glass that had separated them, his eyes defiantly trained on the floor and his fists clenched in his lap. “May I…” Kylo Ren tightened his fists, trying to find the strength to push the rest of his thoughts past his horribly chapped lips.

Before he could continue, Rey sauntered over to a deposit slot in the wall and placed several pieces of fruit and bread within. With a press of a button, the slot closed and a track brought the items to the other side of the glass. Several silent moments passed before Kylo Ren slid over to the slot and removed a chunk of bread, bringing the baked good to his lips and tentatively ripped off a piece, eating as politely as he could.

A small smile graced the scavenger’s lips, her shoulders relaxing in relief. “I wouldn’t eat too much too fast if I were you. It doesn’t feel so great when you do,” Rey warned Kylo Ren before taking her leave.

Needless to say, the prisoner threw caution to the wind and wolfed down the rest of the bread as soon as the scavenger had disappeared from sight.

 

One week quickly turned into two, and Rey never missed a single day. Most days she and Kylo Ren would sit silently, eating together in peace. Other days she would make small talk, asking if he felt better, or if the guards were treating him properly. He always answered, regardless of his reluctance (though he was never too nice about it either).

They were sitting in silence again when Rey broke the silence. “Have you finished eating,” she asked, watching the prisoner wipe his mouth with the back of his hand. A small nod was the only reply she had received. Rey rose from her usual spot, brushing herself off. Only this time she didn’t grab her satchel to leave. “Stand up please?” Kylo Ren glanced up at the scavenger in confusion. “Just…trust me. Please stand up.”

With a hand braced against the glass, Kylo Ren took his time and rose to his feet on unsteady legs. No doubt from his weakness and the injury Rey had inflicted on him some months ago. “What is it? What do you want?” he asked, his voice tired with a twinge of agitation as he stared down at her through the glass. Rey ignored the man’s line of questioning and moved over to the cell door, opening a slot built into the door. “Put your hands through please,” she continued politely, waiting patiently as Kylo Ren shuffled over and obeyed, a quizzical look morphing his features. The scavenger grabbed hold of one of the man’s wrists, a strange shiver creeping from the base of her spine as their skin made contact. ‘I’ve never touched him before,’ she realized, shaking the thought from her head as she brought up restraints and bound Kylo Ren’s wrists together.

Before the prisoner could open his mouth to ask, Rey piped up, answering the question he was surely going to ask. “You need some fresh air. I’m taking you outside,” Rey explained, punching in a code on a datapad mounted to the wall. With a soft hiss, the glass slid apart, bringing Rey and Kylo Ren fully face to face for the first time in months. Both of the individuals seemed a little lost in the small phenomenon. 

The prisoner moved first, breaking the tension. “Ladies first,” Kylo Ren mumbled, clearing his throat and motioning his hands towards the door. Rey proceeded to lead them through a side hallway, taking care to shelter Kylo Ren from the vicious stares and words that were sure to meet him down the other path. With a great heave against the door at the end of the hall, the metal tore through foliage that had blocked off the little used exit.

Rey had never seen someone so calm and at peace when Kylo Ren took his first few steps outside. The scavenger may have felt downtrodden on her home planet of Jakku, a sea of sand, but at least she had the light of day to warm her skin. She didn’t know how it was possible, but the prisoner had seemed even paler than he was before.

Without a word, Kylo Ren shuffled further into the lush vegetation that engulfed them, following the soft, lulling sound of water trickling over stones. Rey followed him silently, watching the man’s serene face as he went. The scavenger wasn’t sure why, but something delicate tugged at her heart and twitched her mouth into a small, delighted smile.

“Rey?” The ring of her name snapped the scavenger out of her haze, genuinely surprised that she had heard something from his lips other than ‘scavenger’. “May I have these taken off,” Kylo Ren asked, a hopeful, almost pleading look on his face. “I won’t do anything. I promise…”

Taken aback by the politeness of the man’s request, Rey stood silent for a moment, unable to formulate words to answer the prisoner. Rey’s face grew crimson, realizing Kylo Ren had been watching her expectantly this entire time. “Ah, s-sure,” she barely sputtered out, embarrassed as all hell.

The scavenger opened the restraints, tensing in preparation of what may come. But whatever she was expecting never came. Kylo Ren took a step back and rubbed his sore wrists, casting a glance in Rey’s direction. “Thank you,” he spoke softly before turning to the stream ahead. Kylo Ren knelt next to the gently flowing water and dipped his hands in, bringing the liquid to up to clean his face.

Rey followed him shortly after and rested against the thick tree trunk near the water’s edge. “Enjoying yourself,” the scavenger asked, her voice almost on the verge of teasing. Rey’s question was rudely ignored. Instead, Kylo Ren replaced her question with one of his own. “Why did you do it?” The man leaned back onto his heels, a mask of confusion and bewilderment covering his face as he stared up at the young Jedi. “Why didn’t you just kill me? I didn’t need your pity then and I don’t need it now.”

Many nights had passed as Rey had wondered the same thing. The scavenger took a long pause before answering. “I feel it too,” Rey spoke with her eyes focused on the ground beneath her feet, repeating the words Kylo Ren had used with her once upon a time. “The loneliness, the pain, the absence of not really belonging anywhere. All of it. It’s not that I didn’t want to kill you. It’s that I couldn’t. Because I finally saw you for who you were; not a creature behind a mask, but a human being. A human being that felt like everyone else.” The scavenger finally pulled her eyes up to look at Kylo Ren. “You’re right. You don’t need my pity, nor do you deserve it. Not after what you’ve done. But you do deserve my understanding; after all, how am I supposed to go on ignoring somebody with feelings that so closely resemble my own?”

Rey had no time at all to react when Kylo Ren came at her, slamming his hand into the tree and causing the scavenger whip back in fear, a seething scowl twisting his face as he barred his teeth. “You know nothing about me, scavenger. You know nothing of what I’ve endured, what costs I’ve had to suffer in my life. I would have been happy to die back in that swamp or in my jail cell. There is nothing left for you to salvage from the shell of a man that I am now. So stop trying.” The prisoner ripped the restraints from Rey’s hands and shackled his own wrists together. “Take me back to my cell. We’re finished here,” he hissed, taking a step back from Rey and giving her some room.

The journey back to Kylo Ren’s cell block was deafeningly quiet, only the soft crunch of leaves and rocks under their feet breaking the silence. Even in the following moments within the cell block, not a single word was spoken between the two as Rey placed the prisoner back into his cell. The scavenger swiftly packed her things away in her satchel and headed for the door, pausing for only a moment, a thought on the tip of her tongue.

“Don’t forget who you are…Ben Solo,” she spoke softly before taking her exit. She didn’t stick around to see Kylo Ren viciously hit the glass behind her.


	5. Chapter 5

The days crept along, and the scavenger girl still hadn’t made an appearance. A bitter taste settled in Kylo Ren’s mouth, knowing he was the cause of it all. Say what you would about the girl, but at least she talked to him. The two animals of guards had returned in her place, the only contact from them being an occasional loathing stare. The prisoner wanted to crack a smile at the thought of the miniature scavenger telling the large brutish guards what’s what, frightening them into submission with the smallest movement of her hand to her hip. Rey may be one of the light, but there was no denying that she let the dark side of the force consume her from time to time.

It was about the fifth day in without Rey making an appearance when Kylo Ren had received a neatly folded piece of parchment along with his daily portion. The prisoner picked up the paper and briefly brushed a finger over where his named had been written in what could have misconstrued as chicken scratch. ‘Terrible handwriting,’ he thought to himself, unfolding the parchment and reading what had been written on the inside.

To Kylo Ren,  
I have taken a momentary leave of absence in order to conduct business on behalf of the Resistance. While I am gone, I have instructed for you to be moved to the home base where you will have your own quarters assigned to you, strictly guarded by no less than three people. This will go into effect once you are delivered this letter. Under supervision, you will continue to be allowed the privilege to go outside for no less than one hour a day. Additionally, a physician has been instructed to monitor and assist in rebuilding your health with weekly, routine check-ups and physical therapy. Once you are determined to be in good enough health, you will be allowed the privilege of private strength training sessions in our facilities to finish out the process of rehabilitating your physical well-being. Though we may have our differences, you have successfully shown me that you are compliant enough with authority to receive these luxuries. If there is to be any occurrence where you are lacking in compliance, you will be shown back to your previous dwelling and your privileges will be revoked until a time where it is determined that you are willing to obey command. Hoping you are well.  
Signed, Rey  
Captain of the Resistance

‘Ha. Captain. How quaint.’ Kylo Ren sneered in revulsion, taking a great disrespect for anything resembling military. One of the many reasons he held such contempt for his own mother. Too busy playing out her pathetic war tactics to come visit her own son. ‘I wonder if she hates me by now.’

“Hey!” One of the guards kicked the glass, capturing Kylo Ren’s attention. “On your feet, scum. You’re being moved,” the guard growled with resentment. The prisoner clambered to his feet, silently allowing himself to be pushed along to his new home.

 

The first week at the home base was a nightmare. No matter where he was spotted, no matter by who, threats were shouted and objects were thrown. It wasn’t until a statement had been made by a higher up regarding the behavior that the violence had ceased. Not like it had truly bothered Kylo Ren anyways. The prisoner would systemically go through the same routine every day. Wake up, wash, be escorted to the mess hall for his first meal before going outside. After that, he had physical therapy for his back with Dr. Kalonia, followed up by his second meal in the mess hall. The remainder of his day was spent within the confines of his room, his third meal restricted to his living quarters. Sleep came not long after, and the next day the process repeated. This continued on for a couple more weeks until strength training was added to his agenda. Not even that helped.

Say what you would about the First Order, but at least Kylo Ren felt as though he belonged there. The man could sit down at any table in the cafeteria unmasked, his identity unknown, and still enjoy a simple conversation with a member of the crew. Here, at the Resistance base, he had never felt so alone. Others took careful steps to avoid him, choosing to lean against a wall and eat instead of sharing a table with him when all of the others had filled up. A good month and half had passed like this before events changed.

Kylo Ren was sitting at a table alone, picking at his food which he had no appetite for. It was only the beginning of the lunch rush, so the mess hall was relatively quiet and peaceful. He had learned very quickly to come at earlier times to avoid multiple stares and to lessen the feeling of isolation when there were plenty of other tables empty for people to join. With a defeated sigh, he forced himself to eat his meal, not wanting to go hungry for several hours before the last meal of the day. Kylo Ren had become so used to tuning out the noises that were surrounding him that he didn’t hear the hushed whispers approaching him.

“Why are we doing this again,” one hushed voice asked. “I thought we both agreed that the man is a monster.”

“We’re doing this because he doesn’t have anybody. There was a reason why Rey had him brought over here. If Rey can trust him, we can find it in ourselves to trust him. Besides, it’s not like you have to talk to him. We’re just going to sit with him so he has some company,” the second person breathed.

The prisoner nearly jumped out of his skin when the table shook from its two new occupants taking a seat. Kylo Ren briefly glanced up from his tray to see who had joined him. The first one, the resistance pilot he had interrogated aboard The Finalizer, and the second one, the ex-stormtrooper, FN-2187. ‘What are they doing here?’ So incredibly out of his comfort zone, the prisoner finished his food in haste without seeming too obvious. As soon as the tray was empty, Kylo Ren scrambled to his feet and rushed off before a word could be spoken.

It continued on like this for several days, each time was a surprise when the pair took a seat across from Kylo Ren. Eventually, the surprise withered away into what could have been described as expectancy. The prisoner would wait to begin eating until the two had entered the mess hall. The three may not have spoken to each other, but their company alone was comforting. Kylo Ren would quietly listen to the two converse with one another about the simple things that had transpired around the base or new developments in the fight against the First Order.

“Hey, Ren.” At first, the words didn’t reach the prisoner’s ears. It wasn’t until his name was repeated that his attention was captured. “How is the physical therapy coming along? We hear Dr. Kalonia has been working you over like an eopie,” the pilot commented, a friendly smile gracing his features.

Kylo Ren remained silent for quite some time, figuring out whether or not he should answer the man. “It’s going well,” he mustered up, neglecting to look at the other man who seemed to have been encouraged to keep talking by the curt reply.

“We never properly introduced ourselves to one another. I’m Poe. Poe Dameron. And of course you should already know who Finn is,” Poe rattled on before sticking his hand out to Kylo Ren as Finn looked on in pure horror. The prisoner finally brought his gaze from the table to meet Poe’s, uncertainty delaying the man’s response before he reached out and took the pilot’s hand, shaking it.

“Good to meet you,” Kylo Ren spoke briefly before returning his attention back to the food in front of him. Finn looked as though he was going to have a coronary due to the pilot’s audacity.

“I’ve noticed they keep you pretty cooped up in here. If I could get the approval, I could really use some help maintaining the x-wings out on the air field. It may not be much, but I figured it would get you outside a bit more than usual,” Poe continued on unabashedly. “If that’s something you’d like, of course. You don’t have to say yes if you don’t want to.”

Genuinely surprised by the kind offer, all Kylo Ren could do is nod his head and mutter a quiet ‘sure’ before hurrying off to his quarters to avoid unnecessary awkwardness.

Poe kept good on his offer, and soon Kylo Ren began assisting the pilot every day after lunch. After a while, the ex-stormtrooper began speaking to the prisoner as well, though it was with great reluctance. Kylo Ren’s life began to resemble something close to normalcy, but everything still felt so cold, so cut off.

It had been almost two months since Rey had taken her leave, and Kylo Ren felt more and more unsettled with every day that flew by. There was still a small part of him that had regretted his actions that day next to the stream. The scavenger girl was the first person to show kindness and genuine concern for him in years, and he treated her like trash, ultimately scaring her away. Even after those events, even in her absence, the scavenger was still managing to show him kindness from afar purely out of her influence over others. Though he may never publicly admit it, he missed the young Jedi apprentice. Whereas the presence of Poe and Finn felt so unnatural and forced, Rey’s presence felt so soothingly natural. They may not have exactly enjoyed one another, but the force had always drummed with energy between the two, seemingly pulling the two together. The sensation had always warmed his when she visited him down in the dark abyss he used to call home.

Kylo Ren swung in anger at a wardrobe that sat in the corner of his room, his fist bursting through the other side of the wood. ‘She wouldn’t be gone if it weren’t for me’, he agonized, raw emotion boiling to the surface of his skin along with the blood dripping down his hand. This wasn’t the first time an incident like this had occurred; Kylo Ren had been kept up many nights before when such pure emotion had pulsed through him. Sometimes he just had to find an outlet, which was unfortunate for many pieces of furniture in his room as well as his hands. Underneath the thick streams of blood, scars both old and new littered his skin, serving as a painful reminder of the intensity the scavenger brought out in him.

The prisoner was interrupted from his seething when a shrill alarm sounded throughout the base along with an emergency broadcast. “All hands on deck. I repeat, all hands on deck. Medical attention needed in the air field. Medical attention needed in the air field.”

Kylo Ren opened his door and followed the many resistance fighters rushing to the outside, intrigued by what could be causing such a commotion. Several transporters had touched down on the air field and bodies were pulled from their confines, both alive and dead. Those who were uninjured stumbled out after them, mainly women and children covered in ash and blood that was not their own.

Several shouts and screams tore through the sky. “What happened?” “It was them; they wouldn’t stop coming!” “The First Order, they did this. They burned everything down and shot at all of us!” The noise became drowned out as the intense sound of blood rushing pounded in Kylo Ren’s ears and his body became warm as an odd sensation over took him. ‘She’s here.’ Kylo Ren’s gaze fell upon the Millennium Falcon which he did not notice before and he began rushing to its location. The closer he got, the more medical personnel seemed to populate the area.

The sight before him sent his heart dropping to his feet and his blood running cold. Rey rested on the ground in a small pool of her own blood and her skin was as pale as death…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am a terrible person. I am a terrible person. I am a terrible person.
> 
> The next chapter should be up again in the next 24 hours.


	6. Chapter 6

Kylo Ren jolted awake, drenched in sweat and his heart pounding. ‘Just a dream…’ But it wasn’t. The prisoner ran a frantic hand through his hair, his mouth set in a hard, tense line. He had seen these before: force dreams. Every single time they had played out in reality, no matter what measures were taken to avoid it.

Hurried hands worked quickly in dressing the man before he rushed to his door, pounding on the thick metal. “Open the door. I need to speak to the general immediately. It’s urgent,” Kylo Ren shouted to the other side. After a few moments, the entryway slid open to reveal his three personal guards with their weapons trained on the prisoner.

“What is the meaning of this? Do you have any idea what time of night it is,” the biggest guard warned, grabbing hold of Kylo Ren and shoving him out into the quiet hallway.

“Please, I need to speak to General Organa—dammit, I need to speak with my mother! Now you take me to her know before I leave you all bleeding out on the floor,” Kylo Ren threated, a darkness emanating from the man so powerful that it sent chills down their fragile spines. The threat alone scared the guards into submission. Without another word, the men lead the prisoner to the woman in charge.

After incessant pounding on the door to the command room, Leia appeared behind the newly open entrance, looking up at her son as if she had seen a ghost. “Ben.” The general reached out to cup her son’s cheek, but a firm hand grasped her wrist in defense. “What is going on,” she asked, the audience behind her practically staring.

“It’s the scavenger girl—Rey. Wherever she is—whoever she is with, they’re all in trouble. I had a force dream. Please, you have to trust me,” Kylo Ren begged to the point of losing his breath. Leia pulled her hand back from the prisoner’s grasp, a look of weariness melting over her face.

“I can’t. Ben, you know I can’t. No one can after all that’s happened,” the general spoke, sternness attempting to blanket the pain strained in her voice.

“You have to believe me! You’re going to have blood those peoples blood on your hands—you’re going to have her blood on your hands,” Kylo Ren shouted, his visage twisting into that of an enraged, wild animal. 

Finn, who had been standing by watching silently, stepped forward and interceded. “General, if I may. Poe and I have been spending time with him lately, and his recent actions speak to his character. We both believe he can be trusted,” the ex-stormtrooper spoke bravely, sparing a reassuring glance towards Kylo Ren.

“I’m sorry, Finn, but his history speaks greater volumes than just a few passing days of niceties.” Before a single word could leave the enthralled man’s lips, Leia cast a nod to a guard behind Kylo Ren and the hard butt of a blaster rifle connected with Kylo Ren’s head, making everything go black.

Kylo Ren woke with a splitting pain in his head and a ringing in his ears, though he was not hearing the sound out of thin air. The prisoner rose to a sitting position and observed his surroundings. The man was sitting on the cold, hard floor of his old cell, deep within the ground. Where it was usually deathly quiet in the dwelling, a sharp, piercing alarm sounded within the room and through the rest of the prison.

Realization hit Kylo Ren with the force of a speeder. Throwing caution to the wind, the prisoner lunged to his feet, immediately set off balance due to the blood-seeping wound on the back of his head. Dark images of blood and bodies flooded Kylo Ren’s mind as he reached a hand towards the glass, attempting to use the sheer power of the force to burst the glass; the material barely shook underneath the man’s intense and frightened gaze. As if a fire had been lit underneath the prisoner, Kylo Ren threw himself into the glass, each time the surface doing more damage to his shoulder than he was doing to the glass. Emotion came flooding into Kylo Ren, his fear, rage, and hope powering each contact of his fist to the surface.

The image of Rey bleeding out blinded the man, ignoring how much blood had coated his hands from the repeat abuse he was subjecting himself to. The scavenger was right about him: he was very much still human. Though he had tried to mask it, metaphorically and physically, Kylo Ren still felt the entire spectrum of human emotion. Despite his actions, the man ultimately cared about people more than even his mother did. She was right about him, and the prisoner had drove her away. The one person who should have killed him, but instead saving him, redeeming him. The one person who truly understood his suffering. The one person to send his heart pounding, even at the slightest thought of her. The scavenger was now going to die from his actions.

Kylo Ren drew back his fist one last time and sent it careening into the glass. A guttural, anguished yell ripped itself from the prisoner’s throat as he cradled his now broken hand. Kylo Ren paced his cell like a caged animal, looking and sounding the part. “This is all my fault. This is all my fault…” The prisoner continually paced the small space, not even stopping when the alarm eventually ceased. The man didn’t even know that he had fallen unconscious until he woke up to a gentle hand cradling the side of his face.

 

“Kylo…” The prisoner slowly began to stir out of his slumber. Rey sat on the edge of the infirmary bed that Kylo Ren had currently occupied, brushing the soft black locks of hair from his face and resting her hand on his cheek. “Kylo, can you hear me? Are you alright,” the scavenger asked, lowering her head to meet the man’s dazed stare. Recognition quickly hit the prisoner and Rey had to utilize to force just to keep the man down. “Stay still. You’ve lost quite a bit of blood.”

The heart rate monitor beeped furiously as Kylo Ren gazed up at the scavenger with half crazed eyes. “H—how, you were gone. You were dying. There was s—so much blood, I…” Rey quickly cut off the prisoner before he could continue prattling on.

“We received your message, thanks to the defiance of Finn and Poe. I had a rather vicious word with your mother when we returned…” Rey’s jaw tensed before she returned her eyes to Kylo Ren’s face, her face lightening into an emotional smile. “We were on Naboo, trying to recruit more members to join the resistance when we received the message. We moved all of the civilians from the area and waited for the First Order to strike. Some lives were lost, but many more were saved. I was saved.” The scavenger leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss to Kylo Ren’s forehead. “Thank you…” she whispered against his skin. With the strength that he had left, Kylo Ren moved his arms to weakly embrace the scavenger girl above him, pulling her close and holding her there for the longest time.

After several, peaceful moments had passed between the two, Rey pulled away, quickly trying to swipe away a stray tear before the prisoner could notice. “As of today, you will have the same rights bestowed to you as everyone else here. You are no longer to be held prisoner in any sense of the word. On behalf of the resistance, we urge that you are more than welcome to stay and we sincerely hope that you do decide to join ranks with us,” Rey announced proudly, not too concerned about the half ass job trying to cover her own intentions with those of the resistance.

The look that crossed Kylo Ren’s face could not be summed up by anything more than peace. A certain warmth reached his eyes that Rey had never witnessed before, and the corner of his eyes crinkled with the drugged up smile the stretched from cheek to cheek. “I formally accept the gracious offer, Captain. Thank you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is pretty short. If the story seemed to be pretty slow building up so far, I apologize. The real action will be coming to fruition in the coming chapters.
> 
> I am pretty fried right now, so I cannot guarantee when the next chapter will be up. I hope to have a new chapter posted by at least Saturday.
> 
> I want to say a very big thank you to those of you who have stopped by and read, have commented, liked, and continued reading my work. It is certainly the push I needed to have the courage to go back into writing, and I couldn't have done it without you guys. Thank you so much!


	7. Chapter 7

Several individuals flooded into Kylo Ren’s room over the past few days, giving their respect and thanks to the injured man. Even a good amount of resistance fighters honored the former First Order commander with their presence. His own mother stopped by a few times, but each time Kylo Ren refused to acknowledge her presence; Leia learned very quickly to just stop visiting.

The days after Kylo Ren was released from the infirmary were something out of a dream, something so unknown to him. The man could sit down at any table and it would be filled within minutes, though it was just mostly x-wing pilots. Poe and Finn took their respective seats across from the commander. ‘Now is a good of a time as any,’ Kylo Ren thought, ignoring the scavenger girl that plopped down next to him.

“Poe. I uh…I really don’t know how to say it any other way. But I apologize for the incident on The Finalizer. And Finn, I share my same condolences in regards to your back,” Kylo Ren finished, his shoulders tense with the reply he knew he’d received. To the man’s surprise, Poe burst into a fit of laughter while Finn looked at the pilot as if he had a screw loose.

“Buddy, I had forgiven you for that a long time ago. What’s done is done, and now we’re all here,” the pilot chuckled.

“So have I. Don’t get me wrong, you still kind of terrify me, but what you did has begun to set things right,” Finn blurted out, an air of nervousness hanging over the ex-stormtrooper’s head. 

This time it was Kylo Ren’s turn to chuckle, the action making every single person at the table to eyeball him in amazement. “You didn’t have to be that honest,” the commander barely teased, fighting the infectious smile that should have been plastered to his face.

Rey beamed up at Kylo Ren, truly in disbelief of what met her eyes. He may still carry the name of Kylo Ren, but the man sitting before them was no other than Ben Solo. For some time, Rey had no faith in the man, certain that he would never regain an ounce of his humanity. The scavenger may have doubted her decision in the beginning, but she knew now that it was right of her to leave. She knew that Kylo Ren would fail under her guidance; instead, he needed to find his own way.

“Excuse me for cutting this short, Kylo, but may I speak to you privately,” Rey asked the former commander, truthfully feeling quite small as he turned his scrutinizing gaze upon her.

“Of course,” Kylo Ren answered, wiping his mouth clean and rising to his feet. A swift, respectful nod was given to Poe and Finn before the two departed. “May I ask what this is about?”

“I’ve run into a bit of a dilemma, you see,” Rey began, fidgeting anxiously as they stepped into the training room. “Luke has received word of what I have done, letting you join the ranks of the resistance.” The scavenger paused. “He was very, very displeased. He has informed me that he will no longer train me. That’s where you come in…”

A full, ear to ear grin split Kylo Ren’s face. ‘Wow…’ Rey quickly glanced away from the commander’s face, desperately hoping the light blush upon her cheeks would not become too obvious.

“You need a teacher,” Kylo Ren teased, remembering the last those words were spoken to the scavenger girl.

“I need a teacher,” Rey huffed out in resignation. The scavenger reached into the satchel that was hanging at her hip and withdrew Kylo Ren’s lightsaber. “I’ve been holding onto this for the longest time. It’s about time it was returned to its owner.”

Pure astonishment lit up the commander’s face as he took the weapon from Rey’s hand, feeling the familiar weight of it in his fingers. “I was so sure that you had left it behind or destroyed it when you captured me.” The lightsaber truly meant a great deal to him, it was the first and last he had ever built; it was amazing how something so unstable had stood the test of time. “Rey…thank you. It really means a lot to me that you held onto it,” Kylo Ren breathed out.

Rey turned her back on him and waved her hand in dismissal. “You’re welcome. I just figured I shouldn’t leave it lying around for just anybody to pick up,” the scavenger lied straight through her teeth, warmth bubbling up inside her from the sentimentalities. “Do you think we could start now? I’d really like to keep up on the progress I’ve been making. In return, I could teach you something as well. Perhaps I can instruct you on how to fly the Falcon.”

“Deal. If you’re going to train with me, you’re going to start off from the very basics…”

 

Everything was going so smoothly. Rey quickly excelled in each lesson Kylo Ren gave to her, though the same couldn’t be said for him. It was an ongoing battle trying to teach the former commander the ins and outs of piloting an aircraft; he didn’t seem to catch on as easy as Rey had when she was younger.

They were sitting in the cockpit of the Millennium Falcon, resting after a long day of training. “Kylo? I know I may be going a bit out of bounds here…but I have to ask. Why did you kill your father,” Rey prodded, idly dragging her fingers across one of the many buttons adorning the control panel. The scavenger could feel a spike of anger coming through the force before it quickly dissipated. Though mostly unintentional, a force bond had steadily grown between the pair, making it difficult to hide anything from one another.

After a long, uncomfortable silence, Kylo Ren finally spoke up. “I didn’t have a choice, really. It was either I kill him, or Snoke killed me for my weakness,” he muttered softly. “It may not have been seen, but my father and I made peace with eachother out on that bridge. He knew that if he came to me, he would have to die. He had accepted that.”

Rey leaned over and placed a gentle hand on the man’s arm. “Kylo…I’m so sorry,” the scavenger sympathized, unable to come up with any other words for the situation.

“It’s fine. That’s in the past now. I’d rather not dwell on it,” the commander replied rather curtly, standing up from the copilot’s seat and quickly taking his leave. Rey could physically feel the aching of the man’s heart as he made his hasty getaway.

Bit by bit, Rey would manage to pull personal stories from Kylo Ren, but not without cost. Sometimes he would disappear for a couple of days, doing his own thing. Other days he became violent, lashing out verbally against Rey or becoming physical with other objects, the dark side exerting its power over him when he was weak enough to let it in.

They were standing together in the training room late at night, far past when everybody else had settled in for bed. Rey had made the mistake of delving too deep into Kylo Ren’s past when she questioned him about the other young Jedi apprentices he had slaughtered.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean anything by it. I just wanted to know why you did it,” Rey pleaded, trying to persuade the man into keeping his voice down.

“I’ve told you countless times before, I don’t want to speak of it. But what do you do? You keep fucking pushing,” Kylo Ren hissed with disdain, his face crimson with rage.

“I just want to be able to understand you better, that’s all. Please, I just want to help,” the scavenger begged. The words left her mouth too quickly before she could stop them. ‘Oh no…’

“How many goddamned times have I told you that I don’t want your help. That I don’t need your pity,” Kylo Ren practically roared, white-knuckled fists clenched at his sides.

The commander’s booming voice struck a deep chord within Rey, enticing fear in her strong heart for the first time in what felt like ages. The scavenger retreated back until she came into contact with a wall, holding her arms around herself in order to self soothe. Despite it all, despite the dark past, the anger, and the frustration, Rey still found herself hopelessly attached to Kylo Ren. She wanted to comfort him when he was down, and bask in his happiness when it possessed him. It was moments like this that shook her feelings for him, but she knew better. She knew that the only reason he ever lashed out was because of the deep, splitting pain he felt; and she wanted to be the one to rid him of it, in any possible way that she could. Rey had grown quite fond of Kylo Ren.

Kylo Ren finally took a break from his tirade to spare a glance at Rey. Nearly all of his rage evaporated from the man as his gut sank to the floor in apprehension. No matter how angry he would ever become with her, Kylo Ren never wanted Rey to fear him. The commander stepped towards the scavenger girl and somehow she had managed to glue herself closer to the wall that she had been before.

“Rey…” Kylo Ren grasped the young Jedi’s chin, forcing her to look up and meet his gaze. Thin trails of tears dripped down her face, the woman’s eyes swimming with emotion. Kylo Ren delicately wiped away Rey’s tears before speaking again. “Do you really want to know how to help me?” The only answer he received in response was a weak nod. Kylo Ren moved his hand to softly caress the woman’s cheek before leaning down to place a tender kiss upon Rey’s lips. The commander knew of the scavenger girl’s feelings for him long before she did herself; Rey was not nearly as skilled at hiding away her emotions like Kylo Ren was. For the man was infatuated with her ever since their fateful moment together in his interrogation room.

Kylo Ren pulled away to find Rey lost for words, a new brightness in her eyes that he had never seen before. A wistful smile decorated the man’s lips before he whispered, “Don’t be afraid. I feel it too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaaand roll credits! Just kidding! This is only the beginning!


End file.
